More things in my brain

Walking into "the money shop"
Shish: I'd like to buy some money.
Assistant: We can do that, how much?
Shish: Ten pounds.
Assistant: And what currency would you like that in?
Shish: Pounds.
Assistant: You want ten pounds... in pounds?
Shish: Yes. How much will that cost me?
Assistant: That'll cost you ten pounds.
Shish: A bit steep, isn't it? Do I get a discount if I buy in bulk?
Assistant: ...

Seeing a terrifyingly thin girl at the meat isle in sainsbury's, I worry that should a gust of wind blow, she'd snap in half, and leak blood and guts all over the place, and I'd just stand there watching, becoming scarred for life. In order to prevent this, I sneak up behind her;
Shish: buuuuuy iiiiiiiit... buy the buuuuuuur-geeeeeeer...
Girl: Oh! Good lord you startled me! What are you doing there?
Shish: Encouraging you to buy, and hopefully eat, a burger.
Girl: You want me to look like that? (pointing to someone of average build)
Shish: Yes. Or even better, that. (pointing to a smartly dressed man walking down the isle with a cane and monocle)
Girl: He has a beard!
Shish: And a marvelous one at that. (calling out). Hello, good sir! Marvellous beard you have there! Were I a lady, I should find you quite dashing!
Man: And were I a lady, I should think you were dreamy~
(Shish and Man walk off, talking about top hats or somesuch. Something British.)
Girl: ... wtf?

I discovered a shop which smells really nice, I shall have to go there again; I doubt I'll buy anything, but it'd be a nice place to sit with a laptop and get some work done...

Shish: do you have small balls?
Assistant: I beg your pardon?
Shish: Small balls; I'm looking at these balls of wool, they're all very large, and very expensive.
Assistant: I'm afraid we don't...

Shish: I'd like to buy this house
Seller: That'll be £10,000 please
Shish: And does that include the grass?
Seller: Excuse me?
Shish: The grass, in the garden. Is it included, or does it cost extra?
Seller: The grass is free, sir
Shish: Marvellous!
Many years later
Shish: So with my free grass, and my sheep, a lot of time, and some shears, I was able to get this wool at considerable discount!

Seeing an NHS "screening van".

Shish: Hello, I'd like to have a screen.
Screener: What for?
Shish: This. (Gets a CRT out of his backpack. It is missing the glass plate.)
Screener: Um...
Shish: Up till now I've been letting the cathode rays directly into my eyes, but my co-workers keep saying "Go to the doctor's! And get a decent screen!". Normally I wouldn't bother, but I had some time spare, saw this "NHS screening van", and thought what the hell~

And some jokes which I came up with ages ago but never got round to posting:

Q) What's the best type of ice cream to have if you need to get in to a car?
A) Carte'dor (car door!)

Q) What did the guy flaming headcrab zombie say to the girl flaming headcrab zombie?
A) Will you go out with me? (Zombies provide insufficient fuel for long term patio lighting!)

Q) How does a pirate measure his hard drive?
A) Gig-ARRRRR-bytes! (Any word with the syllable "ar" is fertile ground for a pirate joke!)

2008-09-15 01:06:36 -0500
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